I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Randomize
