Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
