dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
