Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
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If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
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Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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