so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
