Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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