Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
