i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
