Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
