Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
