I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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