She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
