When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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