We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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