I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
