I just saw a hot homeless man
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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