nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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