Betty ford says i'm here all night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
