They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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