i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
