who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
