I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
