apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
