Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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