We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
