I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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