Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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