I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
