tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
