You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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