She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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