I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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