I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
