I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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