My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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