Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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