I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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