I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
