My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
