i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
