you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
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It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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