we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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