They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I wish they made helmets for livers.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
