Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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