We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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