proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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