...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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