She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I can't turn off my feet"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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