The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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