Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
