She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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