Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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