the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
