I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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