please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
