i need an iv and a liver transplant
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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