Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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