no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
