Define "chronic" masturbator.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
