she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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