Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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