Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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